"With more access to time, I have been exploring different areas of writing and learning something new each day. My love for reading has returned; it has become a gateway to my escape."

May 14, 2020

I am alone and isolated from any human interaction, and my mind is full of disappointment and shame. The fear of failure runs through my brain, and I drown in my tears to make the pain go away. This experience has changed me in so many ways, and I stand by, hoping for a better day. I go outside. The rain touches my skin, and I feel alive again. I come back in. I listen to it as I sleep so peacefully. I can't stand to look at the news; it's so frightening. The thought of death rushes through my brain, as I hear about the number of African-American deaths increasing each day. The preexisting conditions of the past have caught up with our present, and all we can do is patiently wait.

Mentally, It feels as though the weary moments have drifted away, and I feel connected with my perception once again. Before this interruption, there was not enough time in the day to explore my own identity, and it felt so demoralizing. I was floating in a sea full of hopelessness and disparity, remaining still as I poured honey and milk into my cup. Taking sip after sip, I indulge in the pleasant taste, while anticipating my fate. I am aware of the side effects that success prescribes, restless nights, and agonizing desires. Well, what about the well-being of my body and mind? I am a prisoner to dreams that appear so out of reach because of poverty. I cry myself to sleep sometimes, yearning for a window of opportunity and to uncover my potential as a human being. 

My destiny is difficult to conceive, and the cost of school is tormenting my sense of direction. This experience reminded me of when I was in the fourth grade, and I found out that I had a learning disability. As a child, I was oblivious to the problem. I could only comprehend the fact that I was failing my math class, and I could not fathom the reason why. I was afraid kids would look down upon me if I had failed, but I studied and overcame that moment, just like other moments that were not in my favor.

With more access to time, I have been exploring different areas of writing and learning something new each day. My love for reading has returned; it has become a gateway to my escape. When I was a child, I began to develop a passion for writing. Once I planted the seed to read, I realized as a student that story-telling comes second nature to me. I will be majoring in English to supply my words with existence.

I am looking forward to transferring in the fall. Still, it saddens me that when I graduate, I won't obtain the recognition that I've worked so hard for—walking across the stage would bring honor and relief to my soul. I never imagined going this far and accomplishing so much in my life.